Thursday, 21 December 2017

You want it darker

I do like today.  I like the fact the feast of St Thomas the Apostle (that great empiricist and positivist) is held on the darkest day of the year. The light of belief and the reality of darkness: it is not a paradox.  I like the darkness, I like the unknowing. There is something comforting in not looking for evidence, in letting go, in freeing myself from the need to know, from the need for proofs and facts. Today feels like the most liberating day of the year.  The day to plunge into the darkness to the point of near blindness and cling to the words of Our Lord echoed in the collect for today's feast.

Blessed are you who have not seen and yet have believed. 

Today is the day to strip all belief of  its trappings; of every sentiment and colour, every cosy thought and good desire.  Pure belief is something that is only found in the darkness of blind trust surrounded by the shadow of death.

It has been an eventful year for me and it is good to remember what has happened, but it is better to let go. 

I was so ill, I did not feel I could continue working so I resigned from my job.
I was in love but it was hopeless to even consider it so did not pursue it.
I had an operation that was supposed to be cosmetic but which caused me to be cured of the condition that had stumped doctors for 9 years.
I seriously consider going to Ulaanbaatar and end up in Bucharest.
I find coming out to Bucharest just about the most wonderful thing that has happened to me, but I don't know why.
I know I am meant to be here and that is all I know.

There is a bigger picture, my insignificant little world is just a part of a much bigger picture of darkness and forgetting that we all need to do in Advent if we are to see the True light that will shine on us. Tonight I just wish to let go of all, even the happiness.  I don't wish to trade on my memories, they are such false and unreliable friends.

****

Leonard Cohen's "You want it darker"

There's a lover in the story
But the story's still the same
There's a lullaby for suffering
And a paradox to blame
But it's written in the scriptures
And it's not some idol claim
You want it darker
We killed the flame

I am ready my Lord.

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