Thursday, 23 March 2017

If.....

If I write anything, it may suggest I care about what I am writing and I'm not sure I do. So I've been silent for a while.

This Lent seems to be about some sort of "holy indifference", I can't call it detachment because life is so very real and "full on" and somewhat manic, and everything needs to be done with great care and attention to the smallest of details.  It is impossible to be detached; life is for living fully right now in all its trivia.

For me the "holy indifference" is an indifference to the "why?" questions that float through the mind. Why am I waiting?  Why am I doing what I'm doing?  Why am I at peace with the uncertainty? The manner of my life will change significantly in the near future: I forced that with my resignation in December.  What happens next is still not certain, nothing is yet in writing and I do not know where I will be for sure come August.  I know nothing. And holding that uncertainty with no anxiety, no frustration, no thinking about the future seems to be what is required of me at Lent.

I have been tempted with anger; a colleague has behaved extremely selfishly and unkindly towards me and I have been teetering on the edge of a great chasm of emptyness and "unholy indifference" and a growing sense of separation from the Catholic Church as it manifests itself in those who claim to be Her members. The world could be a very lonely and sick place, and I could be a very bitter individual........

But Faith gives us something more and through a glass darkly, whilst the forms can still not be made out..... there is a goodness and a warmth to the world, a communion of great beauty with those I meet and know, and with those I don't....... Christ is in all things....

And tonight's pale, watery, sunset over the chilly, damp and breezy Wessex fields, accompanied by a delightful flock of starlings, was quite simply one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

This Lent for me is about my indifference to myself; and learning to discern holy from unholy indifference. God is leading me on quite a journey.

Glory to God for all things.

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