I’m still here, sort of.
Ollie Bear is having a very long think at the moment and is far too busy to post. As for me, I’ve given up thinking, so blogging is difficult, you need to think to write, and I just can’t think. Indeed the less I engage my brain the better, I’m finding.It isn’t that it has stopped working. It is currently being kept entertained by a good book on the 100 Years War and another one on quantum physics. No, the old mental faculties are intact despite the insulin and sugar issues. I think it is my reasoning skills that are totally on the blink.
One thing is getting me down; I’m really not lonely, but having to keep fending off all the people who keep saying to me that I must be feeling lonely, is making me feel rather isolated. On the surface, I suppose my existence looks a little lonely, but it simply isn’t. I know too many people to never get a smile out of them when I’m out and about, I don’t want much more than a smile, I don’t need much more than a smile. I have Christ and the Church; Holy Mass at least 5 times a week is a real boon, plus Confession whenever I want it, Exposition, and endless chats with my friends in the Church Triumphant. I also have some most excellent long dead priests for company, Tanquerey and Dr Challoner’s translation of the Psalms are by my side each night. I have a habit of waking up as strange hours, sometimes full of joy (in which case I’ll read some psalms), love for my fellow man (psalms again) or blinded by doubt (Tanquerey to the rescue). I’m soon back in dreamless sleep and wake refreshed. It is very hard to explain to anyone that I don’t feel lonely, I feel overwhelmingly good.
Work is a pain, I don’t like my job, well I don’t like it if I think about it. This is another reason to stop thinking. It is vital that I keep busy (another reason to not blog), and work has a way of filling the hours when there is no laundry to do.
You see dear reader, I am feeling a real sense of a burgeoning vocation, and I will say no more about what that will entail just yet, other than it isn’t the cloister for me. Vocation is so deeply personal (myself and Christ Crucified are in deep unspoken dialogue). Vocation isn’t all sweetness either, there are long encircling shadows and vast dark empty chasms to traverse…and vocation can’t be reached by the light of reason, only the light of faith, hope and love.
Total loving silent stillness
The marriage of longing and union
Desire and understanding
Lightness and depth
Solitude and communion
Prepared for now
Awaiting in eternity.
Is not the iconostasis a true image of vocation?