Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Diary of sickness

I'm reluctant to turn this blog into a sick-ologue, however, illness does rather consume me at the moment.

If,to quote Blessed John Henry Newman, "everything hitherto as been for good" then I really ought to find blessing in my infirmity. What shall I pray for? I've not admitted this to anyone before, but I've not prayed to get better. I don't know why this prayer won't come readily to my lips, but I'm not sure it is ingrained on my heart.

I've prayed to God that I hope I will not let him down in my service to him.
My more specific prayers are that my marriage may continue to grow in strength and that (more bizzarely) I don't let my Year 11s down. I really don't know why my current classes of 16 year olds have so ingrained themselves on my heart, but there they are and whilst I stagger into work, primarily it is for them. I just ask God to prevent me from becoming pigheaded and believing in my own importance, I've asked him to help me know when it is time to stop and to "go on the sick".

I've still not got a definite diagnosis, though they have a "strong hunch". We have a new professor on the case, sadly he has brought half his patients with him from his previous hospital so getting my next appointment is proving a battle. Another six months of tests and scans may be in order before they get round to an operation and possibly a lengthy convalescence.

I refuse to separate body and soul, to concentrate on sickness of the body is to deny sickness of the soul (something we all suffer from). I'm trying to see my sickness as a mortification of the body for the benefit of the soul.

I cannot see my body as something that can be cured by doctors. Perhaps, because they take so little interest in me as a person, everything they do is intrusive. I feel like a prostitute, I've consented for them to poke and prod (this isn't rape), but I have yet to see any "good" coming out of our transaction. I look in the mirror and can hardly recognise myself, a sick and tired person stares back (like I'd woken up to find myself 30 years older).

Perhaps this picture by Picasso say something here, it is called "Science and Charity". Look how introspective and in the dark the man of science is, it is "caritas" that illuminates the scene.

The Lord keepeth all them that love him- Psalm 144


Archistrategos said...

Please be assured of all my prayers in this difficult time. God bless you

Autumn said...

My prayers are with you too, that God's will may be done in your life ~ all areas of your life. Your post has truly touched me, and your analysis of the picture is beautiful.
Autumn xx