Monday, 17 January 2011

Through the Wormhole

By some as yet unknown process, this document has just fallen through some wormhole and landed on my desk. I take no delight in passing it on to you.

It is from the Church Times (June 2036)*

Interview with Bishop Felicity Fairweather-Flummery (Bishop of Oxford)

Continuing our series of interviews with the Anglican Bishops of England, the Church Times was pleased to catch up with Bishop Felicity* during her hectic schedule in the Diocese of Oxford. Felicity lives with her wife, the celebrity chef Jenny Bainmarie and their pet goat, Alfred. She had been married, in the past, to the Rev Bob Gland, who is her current tantric sex partner and ministry enabler in the diocese, they separated five years ago, but obviously remain good friends.

Int: Thank you for joining us after your hectic round of confirmations. How do you feel about the current health of the church?
BFF: Well, we have just had a wonderful, moving confirmation ceremony at the Mystical Vibe Tent in the Covered Market. It has been so liberating moving out of the cathedrals. Our tent is circular and allows us to all lay hands on each other in a spirit of love, energy and equality. We have some truly wonderful, talented individuals who have pledged themselves to our church; we have candle makers, academics, therapists and aromatherapists; people from all walks of life! The church is awake and living!
Int: Are you worried about the lack of men?
BFF: No not really. My male colleague and friend, Rev Bob Gland is making steady inroads and recruiting new men to the church with his Sweat Lodge and naked retreat centre in the Cotswolds. There are now 4 of them who grunt and chant in the hills and it is producing a real vibe and masculine energy that will definitely attract more men to the church. God loves men, she wants them to be healed. Healing is slow and painful; they must get patriarchy out of their system and learn to suckle at the breast of the mothercreator.
Int: How do you feel about the strong Roman Catholic presence in the city?
BFF: What can I say? Their style of worship alienates many groups of disadvantaged people and I find it inexplicable that goats are not allowed into their worship rooms. Whilst they do plenty of good works, do you realise they are not Fairtrade or Carbon Neutral and they don’t use organic cotton in their worship robes, one wonders the damage they are doing for being so misguided despite their charitable works and good intentions. We pray for them regularly.

I can’t read what follows, but here is the footnote in the paper.

* The Church Times acknowledges that Bishop Felicity is the appointment of Dr Daisy Dreary, Archbishop of Canterbury (England), within the Church of England (England). However she is not recognized as such by the Church of England (Nigeria) under the leadership of His Grace Dr Ambrose Tennyson Ntologe, Archbishop of Canterbury (Lagos) since the schism of 2020.


PJA said...

That's so funny!

Rita said...

Nice to see you are still around, PJA!

Hope things are going well with you.

God Bless

Anonymous said...

It's funny 'cuz its true...