This is a difficult post for me to write, but one I feel I need to write.
This post concerns Mary and my relationship with the Mother of God. I love to pray the rosary and do so as regularly as I can, I know she interceeds for me and is my most powerful advocate before Our Lord. It is just that I can't feel her there for me, like I can lesser saints. I can't picture her. Icons and great works of art don't help me. When I turn to her and ask for her intercession, it is literally with blind trust because I do not know that she is there.
So I try to focus intensely on her Son, because I'm sure that is what she wants me to do. It is not for the Son to lead me to his mother, though I know He gave her to us from the cross.
As a result of all this, I feel isolated from many of my fellow Catholics, who have such a beautiful, innocent, childlike relationship with her. I will not blame my upbringing for this, though I grew up in a household where Marian devotions were often referred to as goddess worship and scorned or belittled. There is really no point in finding blame. It is just the way things are.
This may be one of the reasons why, when I'm working with young people and instructing them in the faith, I'm so keen on making sure they build up a good relationship with Mary and learn to love the rosary. We all need her love and intercession, nobody needs the warped and damaged perspective I live with.
I'm hoping just writing this will help. I'd dearly like to be able to remove this post at some later date, feeling it no longer reflected my situation.